I am loving Laos, can’t wait to visit more of it. Have visited Vientiane, the capital, and tonigh leaving for Luang Prabang, 11 hour bus ride north. It is poorer then Thailand, according to the lonely planet it is similar to Thailand 50 years ago. Loving the “less modern” look and feel of life here.
Health is good, still loving every minute of my journey! Back to reading, writing and meditation everyday (short ones, but still).
Will be making my way to Wat Suan Mokkh, a monastery where they offer a 10 day meditation retreat. Simple living, 2 meals a day, sleeping on the floor with a wooden pillow, can’t wait to see that pillow, and meditation courses and practice everyday. Full silence for 10 full days, can’t wait! We will hear some people talk, during the meditation and yoga classes, but we will not be allow to talk. Love it!!! You can check the website at : http://www.suanmokkh-idh.org/.
I can’t upload any pictures at this time, will have to figure this out, my blog space is full. Guess my pictures are two big in size!!! Will solve that soon, promise!
As for the reflection part today, here is what I feel like sharing.
Speaking our truth, being our true self, I was reading about that today and I had to stop many times, filled with to much emotions. Why is it so hard sometimes to simply be my true self?
In my life I had to learn to understand the need of someone else before mine as of a young age. I tried to be the perfect brother to my mentally challenged sister, putting my needs aside to keep things easier. Not always, of course, I was not a perfect little boy all the time. But it became part of my program, that my parents appreciated it when I could see pass the situation and be the bigger “boy”. I would hear my mom and dad talk about how I was good for my sister, I would hear other adults say the same, I wanted to keep that role, I was proud of the approval I would get. I became the good boy, the good sun, the good brother. I learned to put myself aside, to please.
At school I was never a popular boy, I was intelligent, not to athletic, and I was different. I did not know then that I was gay, but I guess I was different that the other boys partly because of that. I had different interests, I was more sensitive and got along with girls easily. So when I made friends, I would do everything to please them, my needs were never important.
I am giving you the quick version of my reflection here to get to my point. I became a pleaser. And it worked; by the time I left for college I had perfected my art. I pleased people, and they liked me. I made great friends, amazing friends actually, and was told by a few that I was to much of a nice guy, which at that point I didn`t understand. But now I do understand. I have found a way to feel good about feeling bad when making people feel good. How sick and twisted is that? And in the name of what? Being liked?
When I left for this trip a few months ago it was all about finding me, the little me that I have been putting aside for so long. It was a journey that had started when I left my job at Bell, I started to listen to my needs more, to find that courage to be more aware of my needs, to express them more, etc. Still, I was at a point where I was bitter when I would put people’s need before mine. So many times in my life I wanted to be mean, I wanted to be angry, to express anger, to yell and scream at someone. And again, I don’t want to pretend that I never did, but I didn’t do it all the times that I wanted to. So many times I said yes, when I wanted to say no. So many times I spent an evening with someone when I really wanted to be by myself. And I didn’t always do it because I was asked to; I would do it because I thought that is what would please the other person. Anyway, again, short version, few examples, just to state that I have for whatever reason put my needs aside many times in my life. I got to a point where I didn’t know how to change that, how to give back priority to myself; how to listen to my needs.
I think at some point I started to be in conflict with that battle in me. I started being bitter about it, so it started to come out. I started to be mean to my partner, for no reason, at least for no reasons that pertained to him. And even if he didn’t really understand the whole reason behind it, he just understood that it wasn’t about him, so he kind of just took it, so I kept going at it. He would not get offended nor defensive, he would let me have my little moments, then we would talk about it, and it was all good. So I kept going, and he kept taking it. It got to a point where I didn’t recognize myself, where I became someone I didn’t want to be. He allowed me that safe space, where I knew I would still please him even if I didn’t put his needs first. I knew with him I could be impatient and show anger, and he would still like me. And I think deep down, I was bitter for having moved to Ottawa to live with him. I had left my life in Montreal because he didn’t want to leave Ottawa, to be with him. It took me a while to realize that, but I wanted to be with him so much, to prove to him that I loved him, that I left Montreal for him. But when I didn’t like Ottawa as much as I thought, I started to be bitter about it. From that I gave myself permission to be listen to my needs when with him, because after all I had done a sacrifice for him. Which was totally unfair to him, he never asked me to move, he was not ready to move, he was ok with a long distance relationship, he was patient and all, but I wanted change, and thought it would be fun to move. But then I regretted it. Not consciously then, now I know, now I understand. So at one point, I ran away. I left him, I left my job, my house, my dog, and I left to be with me.
Thank God, it brought balance back. It was the most beautiful gift I ever offered myself. To do what I want, when I want, how I want, without worrying about anybody else’s needs!!! Thank you to my parents for putting there needs aside sometimes to meet mine, and those of my sister. It is probably not easy to be a parent everyday, and I sure am thankful I could run away, I know some of you don’t have that luxury.
I understand violence now, I understand where it comes from. I was never violent, and I don’t think I was ever really mean, but I directed anger that was built up inside toward François for stupidities. I see this clearly now. All that because I have bottled up my truth in the past, I have built resentment, anger, and frustrations that I never expressed. I am not suggesting anger needs to be expressed as anger; I am suggesting anger needs to be expressed. When something or someone creates anger in you, it is okay to say it. To share what is going on, without the fear of not being liked for it, of loosing approval, of loosing your status as a good person, etc. When you are being hurt, it is okay to say it, to have a discussion about it. Anything can be said, it is all about how it is said. We fear disappointment, disapproval, dispute, or worst we don’t want to have to deal with someone else’s emotions, so we bottle ours in. And then we keep this person in our life, for many reasons, and repeat the same thing over and over, because it becomes a dynamic, a pattern. It gets to a point where we are more angry at ourselves for never having said anything, and then we think now is to late. I say it is never too late, take the mask of, express your truth. You are hurting yourself more by not doing so. I hope I have learned this, I hope that from now on I will be able to say things, to disappoint someone sometimes in order to please me.
I used to wish that everybody would be pleasers, what a great world it would be I used to think. Now I know it would just be fake!
Namastee beautiful people!
Metta!
Charles
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