My ten days retreat - Part 2 - My reflections

Here is a pic of my bed and room during my retreat:

Here are some learnings and reflections that I would love to share with you:

We had a talk on attachment, according to Buddhism, we should try to remain free of attachment.  As the monk was naming certain attachment that we have, like money, success, our things – house, car, computer, etc – our activities, what other people think of us, and our opinion.  That one got me thinking a lot, some people are so attached to there opinion and idea.  How certain people can argue, to a point of making you feel stupid just to have you agree with there idea or opinion.  Why do we have an attachment toward our own opinion?  Why do we have this need to be right?  After all each one of us is different, is experiencing life differently.  It is ok to share a point of view, but arguing over it, over who is right, who is wrong, takes away the chance to learn from one another.  Some people argue to prove their point to a point where they stop listening to the point of the other person.  Then instead of learning from the conversation it becomes a boxing match of arguments until one finds the strategy to prove him/herself right or the other one wrong; one is a winner, one is a loose.  We get so caught up in the argumentation that we forget the goal of the exchange, of the conversation.  We forget that we could learn from someone else’s point of view and experience.  In extreme situation, it can even lead to resentment, a lost of a friend, so on and so forth.  Challenging each other’s thought is good; fighting for who is right and who is wrong… we miss the point.  If winning an argument means hurting someone we love, losing a friend or lover, what have we really won, and was it worth the price of the lost?  Being a “looser” to make someone feel good is sometime being a winner, being the greater man or women.  On top of that it teaches us humility.

Why is it so important to be right anyway?  Remember that an opinion is meant to be shared, not forced upon someone, and an advice is meant to be given, not taken.  The truth, reality and experience of someone is not necessarily the truth for someone else.  Each person has to make there own experience and figure out there on truth.  One thing that I like about Buddhism, is not to believe anyone, to experience for yourself and find your own truth.  Buddha said, don’t believe me, just try what I teach and see if it works for you; such a wise way of sharing one’s experience.  He didn’t have the need to be right, his ego was out of the way, he just wanted to share what he thought could help others.

We also heard a lot of stuff on sufferings, it is a big part of the teaching of Buddha, to stay away from suffering, but in a different way we could think of it.  For example if we like going to the movies we could decide to stop going, so we don’t crave it any more, so we don’t suffer through the craving.  It is a very simplified version of the teaching, but in a nutshell it is a bit of what is thought.  This brought me to think about expectations and how they lead to disappointment.  It is inevitable.  Expectations towards ourselves, an event or someone else will very likely be fully fulfilled, thus we will end up feeling a certain disappointment.  When we expect we are not letting ourselves go with the process, we are not in the now, we are in the future.  We are not open to the possible outcomes; we are forcing things to go according to our… plan, our expectations.  We can have an intention, a sense of direction, but we should be open to what’s to come and not expect anything.   Expectations that we impose on others is even worst I think, like a parent expecting his or her children to fulfill there expectations, or a partner from his/her partner, etc…  I know for one thing I refuse to feel oblige to fulfill anyone’s expectations from now on.  I have imposed that on myself way to much, way to often, and rarely because of someone else, but because of me, my sense of needing to please.  So I hope that from now on I have learned this lesson and will let go of that need.

During my reflection periods I questioned myself a lot on where to go when I come back to Canada, and I think I have decided.  First I know I want to come back to Canada, I love being close to family and friends.  I know I will travel the world again, but I love my country, my culture, and further more the people around me.  I also recognized that the part of me that didn’t want to go back to Montreal was afraid of going back to my super social lifestyle and loosing myself again.  I now know that it won’t be the case.  My time with myself is too important, and I realized that I often end up spending time with friends out of habit, out of routine or even out of fear of not being invited again if I say no, losing my friendship, etc…  Of course my last two years in Ottawa-Gatineau was not as social, but then again, I was with François when not with friends.  I did spent more time with myself, and did like it, but I am not sure if I really appreciated it the same way I have in the last few months of my travel.  Of course the last few months were just about me, which was quite different for once in my life.  I also understand that when I left Bell and became a massage therapist and yoga teacher I started a journey of self discovery, and my travelling time allowed me to dig deeper and deeper everyday.  After all I have been working all summers since I am 12 years old and been working full time since I am out of college; this break was a luxury, but also a gift well deserved.  All that to say that I am now ready – not just yet – to come back to Canada and I am pretty sure I will settle in Montreal. 

Being in a foreign country has forced me lots of silence, and lots of reflections.  I have spent time with other travelers, but not as much as I would have in the past.  I feel in love with myself, with being with me, with not having to consider anyone else, with becoming a bit selfish, and I loved every second of it!  I have to say that I never felt lonely and never missed home since I have left.  But now thinking of finding me a place to live and/or to work out of is a nice project, a nice idea that I can look forward to.  Montreal is also easier then anywhere else I could of think of, like Vancouver for example or Moncton.  Starting a new clientele in any other city would be much harder and it would take more time before I start to make money then in Montreal.  Also, since I am not recognized for my massage out of Quebec, it would be harder to build a clientele in an other province and might even force me to go back to school, which I don’t feel like investing financially for that just right now.  If I am going to be anywhere in Quebec I think Montreal is the place to be for me, where I have a network, lots of amazing friends, and I love this city.

So I might take a room, an rent a place to work out of to start, and then eventually find my own place, or if the price is right, I will find myself a little place to live and work out of.  One thing for sure is that I don’t want to go for any extra expense just to have a nicer place or location.  I want to go for the minimum expense version for now and put money aside for my next trip… South America here I come!!!  I also want to get involved with the Native American community, to learn energy healing from them, to get in touch with the great heritage of our country.

As I feel the end coming near, I am more and more ok with it.  I have accomplished what I didn’t know I left for, I have become whole.  When I left I was feeling somewhat of a “spiritual” calling, a need to go deeper with my massage, yoga, “healing” for others.  Now I know I needed to heal myself before I could help others better.  I also have let go of many fears, I have learned about the world a bit, I have learned to take care of my needs, to meditate, to go inside, and to be alone.  I have also seen other fellow humans be content with very little, I will never take my comfort for granted again, and I will never look at the little tasks of my everyday life the same way.  I now know, from experience, that I am lucky and blessed to live in the reality that I live in at home.

Before concluding, I want to take the time to say thank you to all of you who take the time to read what I write, especially to all of you who take the time to send me feedbacks.  It has stimulated me to continue and on the long run has allowed me to develop a great pleasure to share my thoughts.  Some of you said you were inspired by some of my reflections, I was touched each time.  Thank you for caring, thank you for being in my life, thank you for inspiring me!  I would not write as much and not do it the same way if I was doing it only for me.  Like they say in India, sharing is caring, and I care that you care.

A few pics from the retreat center.  I was not allowed to take pictures during the ten days, so I only took a few, early morning, on day 11.  After that we left the center to go to breakfast 1.5 km further, where the temple is located, and I didn't come back for more pics.

For walking meditation, nice little path.

The pond was a nice spot to get inspired, mediation or walk around.  Plus in the morning it was the forground of the sunrise.

The meditation hall, we had a mini mat under us and a few cussions each to make ouselves comfy... somewhat comfy for meditation and listening to the talks.

The hot spring, look closely, this banch is in the water, which was around 102 degress F.  HOT!!!  Good to release tention in muscles after long periods of sitting!

Other point of view of the hot spring.

Lots of love your way,

Blessings and beat wishes!

Metta!

Happy Charles